Speaking Freely: Testing Me

Master tested me last night.... took me to a public venue last night and slipped me, easily I might add, into subspace.  He and I were enjoying things, (I hope he was at least) and in our conversation text, he made mention of another woman wanting to 'taste' me.... I froze at that point and immediately looked around the room attempting to defy that woman. I wanted no woman to touch me, nor get near me... for several reasons:

1. I am not at all interested in women anymore.  My last few relationships have proven that I am not compatible wth most of them. Mostly due to the fact that my real life and a poly relationship I had for several years put me in a position in which I can't feel like I can trust them. Most of them have either ended my relationships with the men I was with but have even been downright vindictive in doing so.
2. I, for some reason, feel very unattracted to them.... perhaps I have lost that due to losing my mental and emotional connection with them. I have loved a few of them, but when they destroyed me and my relationship, I lost the sexual appeal to them as well.  Kind of need that to find any desire to be intimate with them.
3. I am not an exhibitionist.... I have tried multiple times in my life to overcome it, but it just ends badly and I end up shutting down and running the opposite direction.

Our evening got broke up, with a technical problem, I was told to go home and wait for him to return.  He wanted to return, but we ended up in a new room. This room too was empty but he chose a very crude looking "pallet" bed, where after going through several poses, he chose one in which I found myself contorted into a pretzel and unable to move.  I was good until a noob avatar came around the corner and stood within inches of us eyeing, leering and drooling all over us. I threatened to contact her owner as I felt her actions rude. In real life, being so close to a scene would be completely inappropriate and in a digital world, I felt that the fact that she stopped, looked and STAYED was enough. Master said "No" to the contact with her owner... and then he let the cat out of the bag... HE ASKED HER TO BE THERE!

At first, I was angry with me, freaking out, shutting down and then begging to stay only to find myself running away and figuring that he would find that he 'settled' with me and would go and find another woman that would be what he wanted.  I was angry at me, my actions and the fact that I completely shut down emotionally and physically.  I was yanked out of sub-space pretty quickly and because of that, I felt as if my soul had been emptied out and I would walk around like an emotional zombie. In RL the tears were just rolling, I was scared of letting my husband in on it, as he would start asking questions, and I had to find a way to hide them... I logged out and hid in a hot bath for about 30 minutes.... only to wake this morning having multiple nightmares, and unable to fall back asleep.

This morning I found him telling me to write about things in my journal and I hesitated to, because this morning, I woke up in an angry state of mind. It was HIM that put me in this position even after he knew, I have been up front with him about 'public play' and the idea that he was testing me.... really?  Was it necessary to test me and not tell me?!  Why would he put me in that position if he already knew that I was scared of it... and now, here I sit thinking that he had to know what kind of person I was by testing me to decide if he would stay.... why wind me up into a knot of emotions and then find out that I am not what he wanted.  He will find a way to itch that need and I can't do it, and he now puts me on edge making me believe that his excuse will eventually be that he needs more or something I couldn't give and he would leave me stranded without him. Now, I will sit here and ask myself repeatedly and nightly "will he be here tomorrow?" or "will he find another or start an alt to walk away." I was angry and still am at the idea that I was a guinea pig and because of it, now I will question everything again... shutting my growth down more than he wants .... it was nice to go dancing and such with him, but truthfully... I will question Him in all he does now because I was tested and not warned ... I was duped.

The First Evening: Re-addressing Our Dynamic

Master has identified that he has let me 'slide' on some things.  Not kneeling, not asking for permission to do things, were two of the major items that he pointed out that I had not kept up with, but he also pointed out that most of this was his fault for not keeping up with me and letting me slide with the consistency that I craved from him.  There were not a lot of rules, in fact, the few that he had implemented should have been things that I could do just instinctively.  But I also know that when I am frustrated, I tend to subconsciously test things, and perhaps that is what I was doing. I had forgotten and did not follow those few rules, and as I did, I also believe I thought that I was losing him and the dynamic that we were supposed to have.

So with that identified, after a week and a half of not much communication, and not even seeing him, he decided that Friday the 13th, we were going to have a night together that would ultimately put us back on track.  I was nervous (and still am) that he would put the "strict" on and, as usual, I would freeze and be unable nor unwilling to adhere to his demands.  When that has happened, things just tend to go downhill from there and I lose faith in me and they lose faith in me.  I still am concerned at that, but for now, I am doing my best hanging in there but this history is looming over my head.

Master decided that it was Master/kitten night and that I was to follow him, Our first visit was to a "hangout" for other like minded individuals.  I, having trouble with crowds tried to keep myself from the mass and I did my best to keep from having an attack.  However, a woman appeared nearby and stood there, looming over me.  Nothing makes me more nervous and more insecure than to have some strange woman standing over my shoulder and watch Master and I so I moved to behind him.  I was reprimanded for moving, but I was not comfortable with this woman. She was rude and just as I started to click and send her an IM telling her to move, she did move on finally.  We didn't stay much longer after that, but he decided to take me to another location. One that made me use the term, "Meat Market."  It was the first time that I had actually go into detail describing a few experiences that I had had with several there.  I had hoped Master would want to dance with me, but shortly thereafter, he ended up crashing and then telling me to go home via a text message.

I will state that the evening drew from me emotions that I have not felt in years, while we spoke, that I had not thought of for awhile. Feelings I had had for a few others, and allowing them into my world in an intimate fashion only to find that I was to be used, abused and lied to in retrospect, I couldn't believe how big a fool I felt like and how much of a fool I looked like. It was/is embarrassing and I found it sitting in my belly like a brick that was made of lead. The night we had together pushed me to be in a new mindset with Master there but it also gave me time to lower my guard a bit, and talk to him about my concerns, my past and even vent emotions that I hold on to just so that others don't think of me as bipolar, psycho or just as immature.

The night with Master was good and rewarding, and if anything, I am learning more about myself and him, even though at times, Master doesn't speak much about himself. I normally have to play the inquisitive kitten and ask the line of questions. He said, today, that he has no feelings he is either 'on' or 'off' but I have to state that I know that he just has not had a reason nor a person to trust with those feelings.... so he doesn't know he has them. I hope I am given that privilege.

Submission: The Meaning

Master has asked me to write a lot lately. I wasn't suspecting it and I got a little overwhelmed when he asked me to write this particular tidbit.  He wants me to write about what "Submission Means to Me."  I have thought about it, off and on over the course of the last 24 hours and truthfully, I am not so sure I even know how to put this in words.... so I will start with what I know.  I tend to take things very literally and because of that, the next line is what can start this:

According to Dictionary.com, this is the standard English language definition of Submission.  I have always wondered why some definitions wind up taking us in circles, as the definition contains the word, just in a different form: Submitting, submitted, etc.  Truly the word I should be identifying is the root word "Submit."

submission
[suh b-mish-uh n]

noun

1. an act or instance of submitting.
2. the condition of having submitted.
3. submissive conduct or attitude.
4. something that is submitted, as an application.
5. Law. an agreement between parties involved in a dispute, to abide by the decision of an arbitrator or arbitrators.

So SUBMIT is the next item that I believe is a better-suited element in this context:

submit
[suh b-mit]

verb (used with object), submitted, submitting.

1. to give over or yield to the power or authority of another (often used reflexively).
2. to subject to some kind of treatment or influence.
3. to present for the approval, consideration, or decision of another or others:
4. to submit a plan; to submit an application.
5. to state or urge with deference; suggest or propose (usually followed by a clause):
6. I submit that full proof should be required.

verb (used without object), submitted, submitting.

1. to yield oneself to the power or authority of another:
2. to submit to a conqueror.
3. to allow oneself to be subjected to some kind of treatment:
4. submit to chemotherapy.
5. to defer to another's judgment, opinion, decision, etc.:
6. I submit to your superior judgment.

I am better suited to say that I cannot define this better than they (Websters)  did. But there is more involved in just the act of submitting, and that it doesn't happen just once.  It happens on a level that they are giving you a reason to submit.  They are offering an incentive, as to submit is not easy. The trust that is required to put one's life and welfare into the hands of another are paramount and each time you do so, you are learning not only about yourself, but you are learning that of your "Master/Dominant."

I have never found a way to demand that trust from anyone, and that the trust will build over time, each day offering new ways to challenge our respect for each other, to your learning style, to everything that you are and can be.

Unfortunately, my history and childhood have not given me much trust in mankind.  People have to work twice as hard to earn my trust and even then, I have never fully given my entire trust to anyone.  Not (especially) my own mother.  After learning how much my own family stepped on me and lied to "protect me" in a sense, I have found it impossible to fully trust someone.  To me, submission requires trust, but not a 100% of someone's trust.  It means I have had limits, and I have stuck to them never lowering my limits (as I have tried to do that in the past only to find that my trust was again, misplaced).  Slaves, on the other hand, give 100% trust.  No questions asked, never asking or second guessing their owners.  Something I have always done. It's my nature to be inquisitive, and to question motives.  Again, another feline trait that some have identified in my personality.  To be curious and inquire about things that no one would normally.  Some find it refreshing, for awhile.  But after that, curbing my tendency is difficult if near impossible, but after Master gave me this near impossible assignment and then another one shortly thereafter.... I didn't balk at it, just said it was a lot of writing and that I may never get it done...... He recognized that I was a bit overwhelmed, and said that he wouldn't put a time limit on it.

Hopefully... this gives him what he was looking for... but I just wish to add one more thing:

Submission, as well as mankind, should never be stagnant or grow boring, just as topping shouldn't.  With that said, submission is different for everyone, but for me, it is a manner of making other's happy by giving of oneself until it hurts and then in turn, being paid back in spades by guidance, love, passion, and intimacy so that the balance remains in place and no one person grows bored, dull, or burns out with serving the person whom they love.

Master has become and worked so hard to be there for me and there are times that I feel I have demanded too much from him.... I just want to be someone he doesn't have to 'work' so hard to be around, nor to make happy.  I have no issues with his abilities, the only thing I have struggled with is being given false hope when he says he will do one thing, only to find out that he did the opposite.  I just need to rely on him and he needs to know how much that means to me.  to know that no matter what, that I am able to trust that he will be there for me.  I understand I am not a priority like his family, but being able to rely just on means a little bit more forethought and conviction with communication...

Our Growth

Master and I had a long talk via text today after having another shit-day at home.  I woke to no cable and no way to pay the bill for at least another 4 more days, only to have to figure out a creative way to come up with the money.  I am thankful my brother lives locally and despite hating to ask, I did, and he came through for me.  It's only a loan and I will be paying him back, but the positive thing is that at some point, I will have my Internet back within the next 24 hours, I hope.

Meanwhile, I have found that I go most of the week without seeing Master (this week was a perfect example), I made mention of being open to the idea of being given things to do in RL that would ultimately keep me in that submissive state of mind and benefit us at the same time.  Master and I live so far apart, and his hours so chaotic that our time online has been extremely limited and we go for days without the intimacy that that is all we do get to do when we are together.  I have been waiting for us to burn out, like a bottle rocket, but that hasn't happened yet.  There are times where neither of us are in the mood, but I do know that my submission, even though it is sexual, that is not all it is.  I crave the structure and discipline that I have had in the past with previous owners, and after having to find myself not able to trust near enough, I won't be returning to a real life active D/s relationship.

Master has put me to the task of writing about "where we have grown," and that is actually kind of easy to do.  Less than 5 months ago, Master and I met in a virtual world.  He latched on to me, completely unexpectedly and even after I explained my past, my complex relationships with others and my pure shyness and lack of self-confidence, he still stuck around. As he said he would.  The problem I struggled with is that he and I got so little time to be together and learn that I had to call him on it.  I know his home life is a priority, just as mine is, but I tend to put a great deal of weight into people who tell me they will do something.  But when they are found unreliable, I get frustrated and start to lose face with them.  How could I continue to submit to someone I couldn't rely on?

Master and I had a good discussion regarding this, and he has improved greatly (only a few times that he has slipped up) and I truly do give him a great deal of room for movement.  After all, he is the dominant.  The communication is so important to me, and just even the idea that if you can't make it on, or are too busy to talk in depth, just a quick hello, I am busy but I will let you know when all is well is sometimes all it takes for me to be satisfied.  I guess perhaps it is because it let's me know that even though they may never leave my mind, that I at least they think of me even briefly enough to check on me.  It's the idea that I am important enough and that they respect me enough to treat me like a human being, like a woman they wish to keep around.

Master and I have done a great deal of growth over the past 5 months.  It actually seems MUCH longer than that, and we have ultimately come to share sentiments that include the "L" word.  Something I don't do easily.  If there is anything I would hope to improve upon as we go is:

1. To not go days without speaking or communicating.  Hoping that this journal will help with that as it will help him and I have a forum in which writing to something we can return and read later, is beneficial.  A safe place to aire issues, loves, and even naughtiness.
2. To continue to improve on the "I do as I say I will do" as we all know actions speak louder than words.  I have always vowed to never say one thing and do another. I want people to know they can trust me and my word.  WIth that, I hope Master truly see's where I hold things and we can continue to work on things.

I hope this is what Master wanted.... if not, I am sure I will hear him and his discipline to write more on more subjects as we go.

Thank you Master, for giving me more to think about, and more to offer you in the months to come..... ~Kitten