Meanwhile, I have found that I go most of the week without seeing Master (this week was a perfect example), I made mention of being open to the idea of being given things to do in RL that would ultimately keep me in that submissive state of mind and benefit us at the same time. Master and I live so far apart, and his hours so chaotic that our time online has been extremely limited and we go for days without the intimacy that that is all we do get to do when we are together. I have been waiting for us to burn out, like a bottle rocket, but that hasn't happened yet. There are times where neither of us are in the mood, but I do know that my submission, even though it is sexual, that is not all it is. I crave the structure and discipline that I have had in the past with previous owners, and after having to find myself not able to trust near enough, I won't be returning to a real life active D/s relationship.
Master has put me to the task of writing about "where we have grown," and that is actually kind of easy to do. Less than 5 months ago, Master and I met in a virtual world. He latched on to me, completely unexpectedly and even after I explained my past, my complex relationships with others and my pure shyness and lack of self-confidence, he still stuck around. As he said he would. The problem I struggled with is that he and I got so little time to be together and learn that I had to call him on it. I know his home life is a priority, just as mine is, but I tend to put a great deal of weight into people who tell me they will do something. But when they are found unreliable, I get frustrated and start to lose face with them. How could I continue to submit to someone I couldn't rely on?
Master and I had a good discussion regarding this, and he has improved greatly (only a few times that he has slipped up) and I truly do give him a great deal of room for movement. After all, he is the dominant. The communication is so important to me, and just even the idea that if you can't make it on, or are too busy to talk in depth, just a quick hello, I am busy but I will let you know when all is well is sometimes all it takes for me to be satisfied. I guess perhaps it is because it let's me know that even though they may never leave my mind, that I at least they think of me even briefly enough to check on me. It's the idea that I am important enough and that they respect me enough to treat me like a human being, like a woman they wish to keep around.
Master and I have done a great deal of growth over the past 5 months. It actually seems MUCH longer than that, and we have ultimately come to share sentiments that include the "L" word. Something I don't do easily. If there is anything I would hope to improve upon as we go is:
- To not go days without speaking or communicating. Hoping that this journal will help with that as it will help him and I have a forum in which writing to something we can return and read later, is beneficial. A safe place to aire issues, loves, and even naughtiness.
- To continue to improve on the "I do as I say I will do" as we all know actions speak louder than words. I have always vowed to never say one thing and do another. I want people to know they can trust me and my word. WIth that, I hope Master truly see's where I hold things and we can continue to work on things.
I hope this is what Master wanted.... if not, I am sure I will hear him and his discipline to write more on more subjects as we go.
Thank you Master, for giving me more to think about, and more to offer you in the months to come..... ~Kitten
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