Master has identified that he has let me 'slide' on some things. Not kneeling, not asking for permission to do things, were two of the major items that he pointed out that I had not kept up with, but he also pointed out that most of this was his fault for not keeping up with me and letting me slide with the consistency that I craved from him. There were not a lot of rules, in fact, the few that he had implemented should have been things that I could do just instinctively. But I also know that when I am frustrated, I tend to subconsciously test things, and perhaps that is what I was doing. I had forgotten and did not follow those few rules, and as I did, I also believe I thought that I was losing him and the dynamic that we were supposed to have.
So with that identified, after a week and a half of not much communication, and not even seeing him, he decided that Friday the 13th, we were going to have a night together that would ultimately put us back on track. I was nervous (and still am) that he would put the "strict" on and, as usual, I would freeze and be unable nor unwilling to adhere to his demands. When that has happened, things just tend to go downhill from there and I lose faith in me and they lose faith in me. I still am concerned at that, but for now, I am doing my best hanging in there but this history is looming over my head.
Master decided that it was Master/kitten night and that I was to follow him, Our first visit was to a "hangout" for other like minded individuals. I, having trouble with crowds tried to keep myself from the mass and I did my best to keep from having an attack. However, a woman appeared nearby and stood there, looming over me. Nothing makes me more nervous and more insecure than to have some strange woman standing over my shoulder and watch Master and I so I moved to behind him. I was reprimanded for moving, but I was not comfortable with this woman. She was rude and just as I started to click and send her an IM telling her to move, she did move on finally. We didn't stay much longer after that, but he decided to take me to another location. One that made me use the term, "Meat Market." It was the first time that I had actually go into detail describing a few experiences that I had had with several there. I had hoped Master would want to dance with me, but shortly thereafter, he ended up crashing and then telling me to go home via a text message.
I will state that the evening drew from me emotions that I have not felt in years, while we spoke, that I had not thought of for awhile. Feelings I had had for a few others, and allowing them into my world in an intimate fashion only to find that I was to be used, abused and lied to in retrospect, I couldn't believe how big a fool I felt like and how much of a fool I looked like. It was/is embarrassing and I found it sitting in my belly like a brick that was made of lead. The night we had together pushed me to be in a new mindset with Master there but it also gave me time to lower my guard a bit, and talk to him about my concerns, my past and even vent emotions that I hold on to just so that others don't think of me as bipolar, psycho or just as immature.
The night with Master was good and rewarding, and if anything, I am learning more about myself and him, even though at times, Master doesn't speak much about himself. I normally have to play the inquisitive kitten and ask the line of questions. He said, today, that he has no feelings he is either 'on' or 'off' but I have to state that I know that he just has not had a reason nor a person to trust with those feelings.... so he doesn't know he has them. I hope I am given that privilege.
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